love is just a lust at times

One thing i feel regret about is to Benjamin..

I dont know why i choose to blog about it right now..

Perhaps i should let some of my guilt to be pour out here?

It was back when i was only 15years old.

And i knew this guy who's 21..

Never once, i take things seriously between us.

But he asked for a relationship.

and never did i even say yes..

I thought he was just another perv who wants to flirt around.

But things were serious to the point he was willing to drive for 1hour plus from his place.

and to my school...

My school starts at 6am...

So, he made a real big afford to wake up early, just to see me..

Nothing much.

sitting on the bench, he talks about his studies..

where else, i just.. do nothing? :/

He would help me carry my bag into the school hall and students will be staring at him.

Not that he was damn handsome or good looking.

But he does look okay :)

Perhaps it is also because he's a stranger.

Friends told me he was sweet.

He is so willing to come almost every single day.

never once he ask me to skip school so i can go out with him.

never once he do anything funny.

Then i remember it was valentines..

I still remember i asked myself, was this for real?

Do i like really like or have feelings for him?

I dont know.. but all i know is that his doings were sweet.

He reach my school early and slept in the car while waiting for me.

:/

wake him up and he ask me to come in the car.

i got panic when he start his car and drove away from the parking lot.

:O

things like "kidnapping??" "rapping??"

runs through my mind XDD

well, what do you expect to think at situation like this..

But thank God (of course) he part at the side of my school building,

which two scout boys were outside.

he held my hand and that's the moment i knew i wasnt in love with him.

cos all i want to do was him to let go fast :/

and then it was when want to :-* me...

i turn away so fast

making the situation embarrassing.

he knew, i knew.

we exchange gifts.

and that was the last time we ever see each other..

i change my msn and hp number too.

for now.. i feel kind of guilty..

for treating him that way.

cos, if i can turn back the time,

i would've at least break it up to him in a proper way and in hope we can still remain as friends.

:/

Mianhae