:)

I no longer wants to do what i intend to do anymore.
why? i give up...
i know,quite some time i have said this and i keep on having the same thing repeat again and again.
But this time is for real,i promise.
If you dont believe...judge it for yourself soon. :)

I was trying to get some rest in my store today.
as i start feeling dizzy.
i did..just as soon as i feel that the back of body plaster for the needle starts to become wet..
ran to the bathroom and i realize it bleeds a little.
started coughing frantically and ends up i puke nothing but thick blood?
my throats hurts.
but the moment as i was about to leave the store...
i lost my vision for a few seconds...
and that was scary indeed..i dont want to be blind...never wants to...
please...dont let me go blind...because i rather die then.

So yeah,went to the clinic today to have some check up.
and wtf. i need to have a small needle sticking in me for one whole day so i can know the result?
Needle behind your back hurts...when it enters.it hurts.

I been through too much of pain which no one ever realize.
because no one ever cares.
so yeah,why do i still go on caring about others when i was in much more worse situation then theirs??

Yeap,i decide there is no point going through all this obstacles already.
people says there might be chances...
but if you are in my shoe...you rather not have the chances.
So,i have just pulled the needle out..
and stupid of me...it causes non stop bleeding..
=-=

I think i should admit.
Being a tough person.crying. is something im really ashame of.
but what can you do when you cant even control it?
i can just sit there,mind blank..and tears start gathering in my eyes.
what should i do?
My friend told me stop thinking.
I did...but the result is still the same.
i cry not because of the pain. but because im sad and sorry for myself.
sad for being an idiot..
Dont i have any pride or dignity anymore in myself??
dont i??
i've lost all of it and indeed i am very ashamed of myself.
i felt so useless right now.
thats why i gives up.
whats the point to go on with life when you cant even forgive yourself??

it isnt right to cry when you are working in a mall...
where your eyes is swollen and people staring at you.
even me going to my manager's office to tell her im changing my off day.
scared her too. she was shock to see im that way i guess.

people who knows me well.
should know im not this kind of person.
i was always laughing and joking.
intend to put a smile on everyone's face.
but at the end of the day...
i got the result..
i was an idiotic pathetic clown with who assumes wrongly all this time.
my thoughts was way different than what i thought.

its okay.
used to it soon.
i just hope my gallons of tears will be finish soon.
please please please.
i dont want to cry all of a sudden anymore.

p/s: sorry,miyoungie :) i still loves you though!