Maybe pouring out will ease the burden in my heart a bit(?)
Though I strongly believe, I will never ever forget that moment..
My last moment with wangja...
My baby boy..
Before he passed on...his sister left 2 days earlier...between the two siblings..
I was more bias to the elder sis.
Because she's fat, fluffy and adorable.
To the point I felt so blessed to have this cute pig.
When I saw the stages she go through are the same of what i read on the net.
I was scared, I begged my dad to be by her side on her last stage...she eventually left.
I swore to myself to do anything and everything to keep wangja with me. I surf the net every hours...try all kind of methods...cos i do not trust the vet.
Today...I want to share something I have hidden in me...
When my puppy was at his last stage...
His head was on my lap while i sat on the floor.
He was just staring blankly at me.
I made him all kind of promises...i begged him to not be so naughty and stubborn to go look for his sister...that he should just grow old with me and we'll go find his sister together...that i promised him...i will fulfill it.
Maybe perhaps...i did too much wrong...God punishes me this way...
In one of the most painful process.
I had my left hand stroking his head...while my right hand held at his chest feeling his heart beat.
I could see him struggling...
I bend over to whisper "its okay to go...i promise i will come find you...but you must wait for me there okay? Because i will really really miss you..." they say dogs can hear...and they will let go if you let them go. Of course i do not want him to go...but i do not want him to suffer.
His heartbeat slows down every seconds...until it stops...it stops and i felt around his chest...hoping it was just my imagination...but his body turns cold...
I pray hard...that at least his sister will be there guiding him..because this silly fellow is a follower...when i brings him to the park...he would only stick closely to my dad's legs...
Never leave our sides..
I call him gay boy at times because he is so clingy to my dad...
I thought i was immune to accept this..
But writing this now proof otherwise...my tears just comes out automatically.
To others. He may just be a dog. A pet of mine.
But to me and my family.
He's the youngest kid in our family.
Dad treated him like it was his own son.
Every Friday when I came home to myself alone..i would slouch myself on the couch...he will automatically jump onto the couch...and put his chin on my shoulder...i would sometimes tease him by staring at him and ask him to stop acting cute...cos is disgusting...but because i felt the earnest love coming from him...how he just magically takes stress off from the entire week of mine...i could only thank God for it.
Every night i would ask him, "do you want your jacket?" He would lazily makes his way to me and put his head into the collar and let me help him wear the jacket...then i would kiss him on the forehead goodnight and tells him that i will see him in a couple more hours when im off to work.
If it wasnt for my family today..
...
I would have actually thought of committing a suicide...to go look for him... i know it sounds crazy but i just had those thoughts.
Maybe you think im crazy heck...maybe i really am...but no one can judge me and understand what im going through...
He is not just a pet...he is more than that.
I have grown to have him around.
Sometimes i would read my blog again when i am able to visit.
But i dont think i will for this particular one.
God.
How long do i need to live with this pain?
But life moves on. Really.
I may smile. Joke. And still my old self as on today and tomorrow and the day after.
I was doing so...
Just so my mind will lift off from thinking about my puppy for awhile there.
I think maybe because of all these times i have been ultra tough and firm.
He taught me how life and death is.
And finally. There's a reason for me to burst into tears.....
I'm not a good owner...I didnt even get to save my own puppy...but i am definitely someone who loves him very very much...even as on today...and in the future...
Im sorry, Wangja...Gongju...
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