idk

Seriously...
was it me the one who is having problem?
i admit i have problem in telling out how i feels.
how i really feels...
i always put people i love 1st place.
making sure what i do or say will not hurt them...
but in reality,if you are too careful of what you want to say...
you might hurt them indirectly as they might misunderstands you.

I only manage to keep myself quiet the entire journey back to home quiet at the back of the car..
Looking out the window,trying my best not to think about anything.
I put onto my itouch.. listening to music,hoping it would help.
but it didnt.
i go on shutting my eyes close tightly.
thinking that by this way,i wont shed a tear.
i was so wrong about this.. it still manage to flow out.
:| well,lets treat it as im washing my eyes.
I was wiping my eyes non stop.. hoping it wasnt red,didnt want my parents to know it.
But stupid me,i forget my dad can watch me from the rear mirror.
i guess he felt weird why im not doing any hands movement while im in the jam.
"what happened"
i only manage to shake my head and control my voice by saying "tired"
i quickly put my hood on..covering half my face.
"what is wrong with you"
-im ok,im just sleepy.let me sleep-

Dad knew something is definitely going wrong,so he didnt force me to talk.
Im a tough person i dare say.
shedding tears is something i dont do.
never wants to.
but this time,its not my fault.
it flow out by itself :| what do you expect what i can do about it?

Just so you know... i care so much about you that i am so used to having you during my working life.
afraid that i would never get used to it without you.
but isnt that selfish of me if i stop you?
apart of me was glad you think the same way too.
but then,my point will always be the same.
i just want you to be happy.
you said working here made you unhappy and it hurts me to even see you saying so.
I dont want you to leave.
thats the truth.
if you want to know.
but that is plain too selfish...
i really dont want you to leave.
:(
i can die..due to boredom. this is for sure.

*sigh*

is this the life im supposed to go through?
why?
Im 'going' anyway..and its soon.
why cant let me be happy at least before i 'go'?